Review: Childhood Unlimited: Parenting Beyond the Gender Bias by Virginia Méndez Mesón

Virginia Méndez, author of the Mika & Lolo children's books, speaker, educator and successful CEO of The Feminist Shop, has now written a delightful and highly informative guide to feminist and gender-creative parenting. Méndez was born in Spain, and today lives in Belfast, Northern Ireland, together with husband Chris, son Eric and daughter Nora. She writes:

"I want us all to change the world. [...] It is a matter of how much, and in which direction, but I am a deep believer in collective actions that move things forward. I believe in our power as consumers, as voters, as citizens, and by all means, as parents to change the world. I believe I change the world when I equip my kids to think openly and to act with kindness, [...] when I create an ethical company that supports my values. I believe that we all make decisions [...], from challenging a sexist joke to recycling or eating less meat. And all those decisions, in conjunction with a lot of other people's small decisions, have a massive impact."

Méndez only gradually came to value the merits of modern intersectional feminism, yet whoever has the opportunity to read her book will soon realise that it is not only unputdownable, but sheer common sense, convincing all but the most cynical or narrow-minded of the crucial importance of feminist parenting. We adults grew up at a time when children had to rigidly adhere to stereotypical roles society imposed on them, but as Méndez and the experts who feature in her book point out, it is vital that children, as the hopeful coming generation, explore the broad, diverse gender spectrum to the full so that later on they can choose their identity as open-minded, free-thinking citizens.

In her guide, Childhood Unlimited, Méndez exposes the absurdity of pigeonholing children according to the genitals they were born with. The black-and-white "Me Tarzan – You Jane" categories we adults are familiar with do not allow any room for experimentation, because as soon as a boy dons an Elsa costume or plays with dolls, he is labelled a sissy, regardless of whether he, in other situations, indulges in a more "masculine" activity. Similarly, girls are discouraged from playing "rough games", and if they show signs of self-confidence, they are termed bossy. Childhood Unlimited does an excellent job of explaining how we all possess varying degrees of masculinity and femininity; these are not "set in stone", but evolve as we grow up.

Méndez is well aware of the fact that her own behaviour is governed by ingrained stereotypes, but her children are being given the opportunity to break out of this mould. They play with gender-neutral toys and wear whatever they feel comfortable in, and if they break out of their gender role, this may be a transitional phase, but it might just as easily be a long-term desire to develop an unconventional identity.

The liberating message of feminist parenting is that if, for example, a child comes to realise that they are gay, this is considered a perfectly acceptable, normal alternative form of identity. The logic of Méndez' rearing method becomes apparent when we witness the interaction of traditionally-educated boy/girl twins who each have their own respective "boy" or "girl" items, but soon find themselves sharing their respective toys and clothes. Intolerant educators will then intervene to separate the boys from the girls, whereas to a feminist like Méndez, their behaviour is the most natural thing in the world.

In our contemporary society, one small victory for girls has been it has become perfectly acceptable for girls to wear trousers, yet boys who wear dresses and tiaras or paint their nails are still victimised. The hypocrisy of the English system of boys-only independent schools comes to mind: boys are separated from girls for the simple reason that traditional society wishes them to prepare for their dominant future role as leaders, but is "all frowns" when the discovery is made that some of these boys develop an "unnatural" attraction for their "own kind". This development is not automatically the result of same-sex education, but illustrates how restrictive traditional society can be. Gender-creative parenting, on the other hand, recognises the ability of individuals to adapt without fear of rejection and isolation if people fail to conform. Even adults are capable of breaking with ingrained stereotypes, because as the guide explains in the Neuroplasticity chapter, we have the power to change our ways; nothing is "set in stone."

Méndez fascinatingly informs us that many of the world's cultures feature male garments which do not appear masculine to Western society, and that in the 19th and early 20th centuries it was common, in otherwise strictly gendered mainstream families, to dress infant girls and boys in the same "girly" manner in the early stage of their lives. Girls' clothing, we learn, tends to be decorative, impractical and of poorer quality than the more robust garments made specifically for boys, who, by default, are allowed to be wild and boisterous. In this respect, things haven't changed much since the days of Austen (Pride & Prejudice), or E. M. Forster (Room with a View), when girls' clothing was unsuitable for long walks in the rain. Apart from frills and cheap glitter, false pockets are quite common, even in adult clothing designed for women. I guffawed rather uncharitably when I read the Clothes chapter, because my wife herself at one point discovered she had no pockets on her clothes to put a hankie into; when she reached for the supposed pocket, all she had was a stitched-up decoration!

Feminism and the gender-diverse parenting methods which constitute our future also serve to redress the balance upset by male privilege, yet odd as it may seem, we men also benefit from these values. Méndez is not condescending, but optimistic and inclusive. In traditional patriarchal society, if you were “different” you were forced to deny it. Many became inhibited or suicidal, entered token marriages which proved miserably unhappy, or resorted to violence. Toxic masculinity was rife. Méndez's recipe for a better world is not perfect, but its intersectional message is liberating, holistic, varied and idealistic. We have come a long way from the stalemate situation of the sixties and seventies, when feminism had a grotesquely distorted but nonetheless problematic "man-hating", "bra-burning" image.

Childhood Unlimited is a highly practical, easy-to-read guide, chock-a-block with reading tips, film suggestions and expert opinions. I get the impression, too, that it serves as a valuable tool for parents of autistic and/or trans kids, who before its publication were forced to comb social media for tips on how to best cope with their requirements. Mention is made of the underrepresentation of female characters in books, and of the need to challenge stereotypes by introducing stories of girls wanting to be engineers or of boys wanting to work as carers. Here, and in the media, Méndez would like to see more female role models for boys. Gender bias is still very pronounced in our society. Girls, for example, are expected to be cautious, meek, empathetic, obedient, and tidy, whereas boys tend to be given more instructions and are associated with competitiveness. At the end of Childhood Unlimited, we are presented with a long list of sources and an index.

Méndez's book is a marvellous tool with which to help educate the young and inspire us adults to develop and promote the values of gender diversity and feminist enlightenment and perpetuate these in the generations to come. I cannot recommend it highly enough.

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